Ganondorf's Rant
by yaphi1
Summary: Link decides to start whining. Ganondorf puts him in his place.    Note: If you haven't played Ocarina of Time, some of this might not make sense.


Link ran up the spiral staircase of Ganondorf's castle, trying to block out the sounds of the blaring organ. Navi fluttered along after him, trying to get his attention so she could tell him the same thing she had told him fifteen times in the past three minutes. When Link arrived at the top, he saw a door that had been sealed with golden chains and an unnecessarily big lock. He approached the door, and the chains retracted, making the lock disappear.

"How did you just do that?" asked Navi.

"I _have_ the key," said Link.

"Yeah," said Navi, "but I didn't see you use it. You just stared at the door, and the lock disappeared."

"No," said Link. "I pressed A."

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" exclaimed Navi. "You always talk about A. What is A? Who is A? This A seems to do everything for you. You can do backflips even though you never learned how, you can get people to talk just by staring at them, you can pick up boulders…"

"Okay, stop," said Link. "We're about to face Ganondorf. We need to be united."

"Fine," said Navi, "but just so you know, if he has purple magic, I'm going to bail on you."

Link rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He stared at the door and it slid open.

"How did you—?"

"Not now."

Link and Navi found Ganondorf sitting at an organ. Next to him, encased in a pink crystal was Zelda.

Link cleared his throat and stared at Ganondorf. The evil king continued to play his organ. Link whipped his head forward and stared with all his might, pressing A as if he were in a Mario Party mini-game. Still, there was no response.

"Hey!" said Navi. "Listen!"

Ganondorf turned around.

Link threw up his hands in exasperation. "Unbelievable."

"Heh heh heh," chuckled Ganondorf. "What do you want?"

"I've been meaning to talk to you," said Link. "These past seven years shouldn't have happened."

Ganondorf arched an eyebrow. "Oh? And why might that be?"

"Remember when I took the sword from the Temple of Time?" said Link. "You just came out of nowhere and went for the Triforce. It's such garbage. I know you weren't there."

"You just didn't see me," said Ganondorf. "I was hiding."

"No you weren't," said Link. "I checked _everywhere_."

"Maybe he just pressed A," suggested Navi.

Link turned on the fairy with pure venom in his gaze.

"Yes, that's it," said Navi. "Keep up that angst. You might get a part in the next Twilight movie."

"I am not a Twilight character!" bellowed Link. He could no longer control his rage, and he felt himself transforming, changing somehow. He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the crystal holding Zelda, and that was when he realized what had happened. "Great. I'm a wolf now."

Ganondorf stared. "Wasn't this not supposed to happen for another three games or something?"

"Yeah," said Navi. "It was supposed to be a different Link too."

"Well, this is awkward," said Ganondorf. "I guess I'll have to change him back." He swiped his hand, and Link reverted to human form.

"That's not fair," said Link. "How come you get all the cool powers?"

"Not fair?" said Ganondorf. "Not fair? You want to talk about not fair? Let's talk about not fair. Let's start with some of your abilities, shall we? How about your immortality? No matter how many times I kill you, you can come back to life by pressing A. How's that for unfair? Or what about your ability to carry absurd amounts of equipment? A giant hammer, four bottles, several swords and shields, a wallet as big as a sack of potatoes, three changes of outfits, including winged boots—Who has winged boots by the way?—several medallions, bombs that look like mechanical mice, a musical instrument… You know what? I could go on, but I don't want to. The point is that you can't carry all that stuff. I've seen you struggle to pluck grass."

"Maybe I have a magic bag that I don't tell anyone about," said Link.

"Even if that's true," said Ganondorf, "that still doesn't explain the immortality. And there's a lot of other stuff it doesn't explain too."

"Like what?" challenged Link.

"You don't have to eat or sleep, you can run for any amount of time without getting tired, and if you fall off a cliff, you can cure yourself completely by drinking half a glass of milk. Face it. This game is rigged."

Link gasped in indignation. "This is just a game to you?"

Ganondorf leaned back on his organ, his elbows producing a discordant note as they rested on the keys. "Listen, dude. I stopped taking this seriously seven years ago."

Link threw down his shield. "After all those dungeons I went through, you're going to tell me this is just a game to you?"

Ganondorf let out a mirthless chuckle. "Those dungeons weren't actually designed to stop you. They were just challenging enough to boost your ego while you collected the tools to defeat me."

"You lie!" proclaimed Link, sweeping forth an accusing finger.

Ganondorf smiled sadly. "You're like the kid who doesn't realize his parents are just letting him win. Think about it. If I had been allowed to lock just one door and destroy the small key, you wouldn't have made it past the first dungeon."

Link opened and closed his mouth several times, but he could not think of anything to say. Maybe Ganondorf had a point. Link whipped out his sword and swung it through the air in frustration. Horizontal, vertical, horizontal: "HIT… SKANKS… HAAAAAARD!"

Ganondorf shook his head. "Throwing a tantrum isn't going to help. And you need a new battle cry, by the way."

"I'll change my battle cry when I'm dead," said Link. "Fight me."

"I have a better idea," said Ganondorf. "Let's play tennis."

Link's eyes widened. "You have a tennis court?"

"No," said Ganondorf. "I have a dangerous set of platforms arranged around a forty-foot drop."

"Do you at least have equipment?"

"You can use your sword."

"That's so unfair!"

Ganondorf folded his arms. "I'll be using a tattered cape, so don't complain. Besides, we'll be playing with big electric balls."

Link let out a snort of laughter.

"Is something funny?"

"No," said Link, trying to keep a straight face and failing miserably.

"Well you won't be laughing so hard when my electric balls hit you in the face."

Link burst out laughing.

"Oh I just got that," said Ganondorf. "Real mature, Link."

"Hey," said Link, "I've only been an adult for like three weeks. Cut me some slack."

"This whole game is cutting you some slack," said Ganondorf. "Now if you'll leave me alone, I'd like to keep practicing my organ. I'm going to be a pop star."

Link stared. "No you're not."

"Actually, I already have a label lined up," said Ganondorf. "Want to listen to some of my songs?"

"Not really."

"Too bad." Ganondorf stretched his fingers and adjusted himself in his seat. "I call this one 'Sinister Ascending.'"

"You already played that one," said Link.

"No," said Ganondorf. "That one was called 'Ominous Rising.'"

"They sound very similar," said Link.

"What about this one?" asked Ganondorf, beginning another tune. "I call it 'Going up the Evil Stairs.'"

"Are all of your songs exactly the same?"

Ganondorf shrugged. "It worked for Coldplay."

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